Good afternoon world:) It is another hazy, gloomy, gray day here in Utah, we have not seen the mountains in a very long time, no blue in the sky, only hazy, mucky, kucky, mess.....but I still remember what is on the other side of this mess, what is in the background just biding its time to push through and bring a smile to so many faces...so I will just hang on through the goo and wait until my blue comes along.
Today as I sat here in the quiet dark of my little box apartment, the only light coming from the computer screen, I began to cry....sometimes when I awake and am in deep conversation with my Father in Heaven I do this, I cried and I cried and then I cried some more...not a sad cry per say, just a "what are we gonna do?" cry....Wayde has missed work with his being sick, then he has missed work because they have nothing for him to do , then he missed work while I was in the hospital and now today another call saying there is no work to be done....I asked God..."what are we doing?" "what can we do?" "what are we going to do?" "how will we make it through this storm?" I feel defeated today, I feel like we are being set up to fail, I feel disgusted that we have to be sick, I feel inadequate as I am unable to help with finances, I feel like we are on a merry go round that never stops, just when it looks as if we might get to jump off....it whirls out of control once again!!!! I know this sounds like a sad, sad, poor, poor, pitiful me on the pity pot story...it really is not, it is a very valid account of how I am feeling? What does Utah have to offer me? Why am I still here...I love the mountains, I love my step sons, I love my friends, but really WHY am I still here when my daughter and grandson are so far away? When will the madness end, when will this wild ride be over and when do we get to move on to something that is easier, and not so hard on us? Okay...enough, enough of this I say.....I just had to get this out so that when I bear my testimony there will be none of this negative juju hanging around me, so that the say will be said and the heaviness will be out of my body...DONE, done I am with this and ready to move back into the positive side of things....
I say to God..."when will this end?" He shows me that we are strong, that there are those who love us, that there will be provided for us "enough" and there is...always we seem to make it...not without accepting assistance, but we make it! My lesson here is humility, I have never been one to ask for help, I have never been one to readily accept help and for the last few years of my life that has been all there has been...me needing help!!!!
I say..." what are we going to do?" I look around and I feel the love that is given to me on a daily basis and I know what I am going to do, I am going to keep on believing, I am going to keep on holding fast to my faith, I am going to keep my head up and I am going to keep on walking the straight and narrow. I am not going to doubt, I am not going to fear, I am not going to let satan work on me, I am trusting in you Father that you have a plan for me, that you have set the plan in motion and that all will be just what is best for me....that is what I am going to do!!!!!
I would love to ask each of you to join me in prayer, asking God to continue to help us, to continue to love us and to continue to allow me to do what I love doing...praising his very name, sharing his love, and loving each of you! Father God, we do not know what the future holds but we do know that it hold you! In the name of Jesus Christ I ask for mercy, grace, favor, and blessings....Amen.
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