Good morning and happy Wednesday! I pray this day is filled with much love and joy and that it will only get better, better, better!!!
This morning my prayers were said a little later than usual, Wayde had to be at work earlier than normal and he did not wake me, I felt a bit lost when I awoke and he was already gone, I do however recall a very nice kiss on the cheek as he was leaving:) I do not like going without seeing him in the mornings, I do not like missing morning prayer with him before he leaves...note to self, I have to set my internal alarm for earlier when he has to leave early!!
I got up around 7:00 A.M. and sat in my quiet little box here and as always I prayed for each of you asking God to see your needs today and to give you a reprieve from you woes, to give you peace in your chaos and to give you hope in your darkness. I asked that he give my sweet friend who is visiting her father, most probably for the last time, some peace and comfort in knowing that he has lived a very full life and that he now is being called home so that he can begin to prepare a place for her on the day she is called. I prayed for another family who is going through watching a brother battle cancer, and I prayed for yet another friend who is dealing with skeletons, that she have the strength and wisdom to get said what she needs to say in a positive way, so that a healing of relationship can begin. I prayed for Wayde and I to have some sort of break today, that we see a light in the darkness and that we feel God's blessings for all the good that we are trying to do. It seems that from the beginning of me taking classes to become a minister we have been hit with every type of scenario to keep me from doing it, satan has slammed us where it hurts the worse, right in the finances. I have had to discontinue my classes but the dream is still alive in my heart. It is very important to me and I will not let the dream die...ever, just because it is on hold does not mean that it will not come to fruition, it WILL when the time is right....until that time I will continue to share the Lord's word, I will continue to pray for all who are in need, I will continue to honor my Father in Heaven on every level and I will not be beaten. I will continue to be there for anyone who is in need of talking, for anyone who is in need of a good dose of God and anyone who is feeling they are in darkness I will let my inner light shine and help them find their way. satan may think he will win but I say to him daily, "get behind me you hunk of junk, I am on the high road and I am walking in Christ's footsteps, and nothing, Nothing, NOThing, NOTHING you throw at me will change my direction"...In the name of Jesus Christ I lift prayers for all, that they might feel his love in a special blessing this day, that they might feel peace, calm, and comfort in every step they take. Amen and Amen again.
In my chat with our Father this morning I asked him what I could write about this morning that would touch hearts and would shine light on a darkness. I sat in the quiet, my head leaned back allowing the sun to shine through the window and to warm my spirit. I sat for a while and all I could think about was the end all that is happening in my life right now...I sat and waited and continued to think about Wayde and I, I shook my head to clear the many images and thoughts that were hindering me from hearing him and still I only got more and more thoughts of us....Wow, Really, what is going on I was thinking, I asked you Father what I was in need of sharing this morning and all that keeps coming is "me and Wayde" finally I realized that it was to be a soul barer again....I really don't like soul baring days because it opens me up to feeling weak and so very insignificant, it opens me up to being very vulnerable and it opens me up to being judged and ridiculed...but when I am directed in that path, I have to go there...I will never deny words that God directs me to write...so here we go, at this point I do not know where I am going with this, but I am sure HE will guide my fingers and lead the way...
As many of you know I am pretty much an open book with my life, how can I understand others problems and share with them if I am unwilling to open myself up. I have not been a saint in my life, in fact I have been the opposite for much of it, I have done my share of partying, I have done my share of experimenting, I have done my share of deeds that I am sure made God shake his head in dismay. I have only "come out of the closet" with my spirituality since I was blessed with the grace of having Wayde in my life. I have been a "closet Christian" all of my life until then. When I was growing up we did not have religion in our home, I have talked on this previously and told about when I found Christ, and I thought he was just my invisible friend for a very long time because I never knew about him....I will find that article that I wrote and let you know which one it is if anyone is interested! When I met Wayde I was at a very low place in my life, just had ended my 3rd marriage and my 4th long term relationship, feeling that it was not right to give all the love you have in your heart because it really, really, hurt when that love was stomped into the ground and left laying there...I had a great talk with God one day and more or less told him I was done with love, that if he wished for me to have love in my life, he would place the person on my very door step and then hit me in the head with him because I was closing the love section of my heart forever more....2 days later....YES 2 days later Wayde came to my door and the rest, as we say, is history...It took a while for both of us to fall in love because of the hurt we both had sustained in previous relationships, God kept on pushing us together and the love grew into this wonderful thing that we have now. In having this love there has been one trial after another...satan does not like us together because we are so in tune spiritually. He does not like the fact that my Christianity has "come out of the closet", he does not like the fact that I am open and filled with the Holy Spirit every hour of every day, he does not like the fact that Wayde and I are a strong force to reakon with when it comes to him....I have always place my spirituality on the back burner because I have always chosen men in my life who were not filled with the spirit, who never prayed, never wanted to even talk about God, who had their own agenda which did not include prayer, church, fellowship or anything to do with "God stuff" so I, in my quest to have harmony and balance in my relationships kept it locked away in my heart. When I met Wayde we talked about our belief's and spirituality within the first hour of meeting and have never quit in the almost 5 years we have been together. It is amazing, it is wonderful, it is crazy and it is not enjoyed by satan....so what does he do? Try to tear us apart at the seams...he has thrown everything including the kitchen sink at us be we are unwaivering...we have lost the home we lived in with all of our contents, literally having only the clothes on our backs and a few mementos and that is all, we have had to start at ground zero...no jobs, me unable to work and he unable to find work, we have had to depend on the love of friends to carry us through until we were able to make a way for ourselves, this being the worst but also the best of times as we had time to learn about Christ and his love, together, to learn of the miracle of prayer, together, to learn that no matter how tough the times have been that we have one another and as long as we cling to each other we can get through the storm...of course we have held tight to God's hands in doing so....We have learned that we can make it when we are homeless, we can make it when we are hungry, we can make it when we have nothing at all, when we are stripped down naked and crying, we can make it as long as we believe.
The one lesson that I have learned over and over as of late and the one lesson that was left in the closet that I have had to open the door wide so all could see is me asking for help. I have never liked to ask for help of any kind but have found myself having to humiliate myself by saying...will you help me...I have had to ask for prayer from others for our situation, I have had to take assistance when it was offered because I had no where to turn. It is not like me at all to take hand outs, but God has had me humble myself and seek love from others. When I placed the sign on my blog here for donations, it was not an easy thing for me to do, I have received none but each time I think I am going to delete it, I feel that God is saying, you have not been humbled down enough yet...keep it there..I am not asking you to bail me out of stupidity, I am not asking you to allow me to go out and buy steak and lobster, I am asking for assistance in paying my bills until we can get our footing under us, I am asking for assistance so that we can use toilet paper instead of grocery ads when we use the bathroom, I am asking to be able to get my medicine while we are not covered with insurance, I am asking for a boost up while we are down. I know that as long as we are living here in Utah we will never get ahead, the cost of living is to much and the wages are to low..it is very difficult unless you have a skill or trade that pays the big bucks, we do not have this and do not for see in the future of fitting in financially here. We have so much to offer but it is in the way of spirit and love, and the last time we checked neither pay the bills and pull you out. These two traits are what God wants all of us to have but without the skill set in the workforce we are set up for failure. Wayde is making barely over minimun wage and is working less than 40 hours per week,,,,we are constantly slipping behind. I am waiting for my disability to go through, which wouldn't you know Utah is the hardest state to be awarded disability so the wait is still with me. We are looking to move closer to my Megan in Kansas so that I can be of service to her while she and Derek are in college full time, and so that we can procede with living. Homes are much cheaper there, rent is half what it is here and there are more jobs that Wayde has skill for. I was not asking for donations so that we could take a luxury vacation, it is so that we can maybe afford to make the move and start being able to hold our heads up....
Okay I think that is enough for the day. I am exhausted, this baring your soul stuff is mind wearing and I am tired. I pray that I have not bored you to tears and that you have a little better insight as to who I am and as to why I am in need. I love you all for taking time to read this and love you all for lovin me.
God bless you and keep on smiling....every little thing is gonna be okay!!!!
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