When I honestly discovered that he knew everything I was doing, when I realized that even with my back to him, he could read my heart, when I chose the "wrong" instead of the "right" and tried to hide it from him...OH HE KNEW! When I recoiled back into my broken spirit, when I put on my "tough stuff" mask, when I thought I knew better than he did, what was good for me....HE KNEW. Then when I crumbled and felt there was no way to progress, I would fall down and turn to him, HE KNEW, so many times, I mean MANY TIMES, I did this, I called upon him only in times of need, when the going was good I seemed to forget where I had come from and forget who was the provider and always, I am here to tell you always...the gettin good got bad, then boom, back to him I would run!!!!
As I sit here this morning, reflecting on the "used to be" I am ashamed at my insolence, at my bull headed, high handed, self imposed...insolence!! Yet in all that I was doing, he still loved me, no matter how much I did wrong, how many mistakes I made, how far away I turned, he was there, and he still loved me! I think the common mindset is that if we do bad things, if we make stupid choices, if we mess up really bad that he will not be there... but I found that the further I tried to get from him, the faster he moved toward me. You know..we all make mistakes, it is how we learn to make good choices, if we did not do things wrong we would have no need to be here as there would be nothing for us to learn. The biggie is, when we make a mistake, we have to realize that it is the "wrong way" and figure out what we are going to do to change it, once we figure out what needs to be done, we ask God for forgiveness and we move forward! I think this is what took me the longest to learn, this has been my bain, my albatross, my ball and chain. I beat myself up for so many years always looking back at my sins, always reliving the stupid things I had done, always taking back what I had given to God and yet...he still loves me!
Today I have no regrets, I know that I had to go through all that I have gone through to be me, I had to make bad choices to have a bigger more compassionate heart, I had to live with my back turned to him so that I had understanding for those who are turned and need help, I had to be there, have the feelings that I had, so that I can have empathy for those who are hurting and in need of kindness and understanding. I will not say I am proud of the things I did but I will say that I thank God each and every morning for never turning his back on me, that I praise him for giving me a chance to spread my wings, for allowing me to make my own choices, I love him for giving me a chance to repent of my wrongdoings and know in my heart that he forgives me...The is nothing...NOTHING that cannot be forgiven, there is no sin either to small or to large that he does not forgive us of if we ask with true intent and make peace with it in our hearts.
Today if you are swimming in the sea of turmoil, if you have your back turned, if you think that you know best, if the waves continue to crash on you and push you under...try turning around and asking for help, try swimming toward our Father in heaven and telling him that you need his hand, I promise when you are ready to quit hiding behind your bull headedness and you run toward him, he will be there because HE KNOWS....May this be the first day of your life, may you reach out your hand and know there is one waiting to pull you safely in, may you realize that we are here to learn and without mistakes we have nothing to learn. God bless you with renewal today, may you not be scared to trust in him and follow him because he is the only one who knows the true answers, he has written the book and no matter where you run, you cannot hide because He KNOWS, Love in Christ to all:)
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