Good morning, oh what a beautiful morning it is, the sun is shining, the skies are a bit clearer, at least I can see a bit of the mountains to the east and although it is still a bitter cold out...it is not snowing....it is not snowing...it is not snowing...I guess you can tell that I am glad it is NOT snowing:)
As many of you know I have been sick for the last two weeks and was hospitalized last week due to my inability to breath without assistance from oxygen and having to depend on breathing treatments every 2 to 3 hours for further assistance....when the nurse came in and began asking me questions as to how long I had been living with COPD I was a bit confused....I had never been diagnosed with any condition with these letters in them,...COPD???? I know what it is, I have a friend who is literally debilitated with this disease....I don't have COPD is what I found myself saying to the nurse...WHAT??? you must be confused, I have a cold, I have the flue, I have bronchitis, I have...I have...I have...I DON"T have COPD...The nurse left and came back a while later stating that it did not appear to be a mistake, that it was in the Dr.s notes and that the x~rays and other tests that had been run that very morning had confirmed the diagnosis...HUM, still....this has got to be a mistake....I have healthy lungs, I DON'T have COPD...
As the Dr. came in the following morning, I was loaded for bear and ready to attack him for making such a diagnosis...as I began to ask questions it soon became obvious to me that indeed I have joined the COPD ranks...never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would be hit with this. Rolling back the clock an odd 40 years, here I was in the 6th grade in the playground bathroom smoking cigarettes with several other little girls...boy did I like the "grown up" feeling it gave me....boy did I think I was "mature" move forward to 7th grade...smoking anywhere I could find a place that I felt was hidden....smoking in the annex bathroom at school, in the cemetery, behind the 7~11 at lunch...Using my lunch money to buy a pack every day or so and then smoking, smoking, smoking....flash a few year forward, the "mature" is not longer there but the addiction is.....I somehow have become addicted to these vile, stinky little creatures..they rule me in a big way...now move forward to this very day, as I sit here typing I find myself wanting to get up, step out the door, light one up and pull the disgusting junk deep into my lungs, I sit here thinking about the wonderful taste of it in my mouth and going down my throat and then boom ....it hits me... You idiot...this is why you are now having such issues with breathing, you have done irreversible damage to a major organ...you have corrupted your lungs, you have trashed them up and now they do not like you anymore!!! What have I done???
I suppose you could say that I have always felt that bad things such as this were what happened to other people, not me!!! I have been told many times over the years that my lungs sounded and looked very good, can't tell you are a heavy smoker, can't tell you are a smoker at all....I did not want to quit therefore I believed what I was hearing....Now I sit here, feeling silly and feeling like an idiot for really thinking that this would not catch up with me, I sit here crying on the inside knowing that another smoke will just do more damage but wanting one so badly that I find myself making excuse why I should....I sit here feeling lost and alone, feeling scared and stupid...Now that is a lovely way to start a day is it not???? So I am holding my hand up in the air as if at an AA meeting and I am confessing...I am addicted to nicotine and I want to stop, I want to keep my lung function for as long as I can without the use of daily oxygen and I want to repair anything I can to give me years more life....I stand with my hand in the air in confession that I am addicted to nicotine and it really has a strong hand on me, that I am craving, craving, craving just one good drag...Father God give me strength to get passed this craving, I am not asking for you to take them all from me, I am merely asking that you give me strength from one craving to the next not to give up and puff it in....I will overcome this, I will find a way that works for me and I will become one of those "non~smokers" that I have always admired but never thought I could be..
Thank you all for allowing me to rant and rave and please if you think of it today at any time say a little prayer for me, ask God to give me a moment of peace and good feeling from not giving in....I need these prayers all day long and into the night and I know if we are all joining forces I will be successful in this quest. I love you all and am so thankful to have you in my corner!!!
I confess, I am an addict!!!!!
1 comment:
My sweet Dawn, you are a strong, amazing woman! You can beat this! I am not saying it will be easy, I can tell you it will not be! But you CAN do it! I will support you through this for as long as you need. When that craving hits, stop and take at least three deep breaths. You will probably cough at first, but keep on, in a few days you will notice you won't cough as much! How great that feels is indescribable! Think good thoughts when those cravings hit. They usually will go away in about 10 to 15 minutes if you can just distract yourself. Set up rewards for yourself in small increments. Take the money you would have spent every day for cigarettes and put it in a jar. In just three short weeks you will be amazed at the amount of money you have saved! Go clothes shopping! Buy shoes, whatever you would really like to have, use this money for that. Don't use that money for bills, it will not motivate you to stay quit, you MUST buy/do something you really want three weeks after you quit. I went on a shopping spree and still didn't spend all of the money! Boy was I really motivated then, because I saw just how much I could buy with all the money I was burning to ashes!! One thing I do want to say, if you "fall off the wagon" and have a cigarette, don't beat yourself up! Just pull up your big girl pants and jump right back on that wagon! We all make mistakes, that is being human! I have the utmost faith in you, and so does God! You can do it sweet lady! Love you!
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