I take full responsibility for all the ugly things I have done...

YIPPEE, it is Friday!!! I pray each of you is ready for the weekend, that you have plans for some  rest and relaxation and that those plans include sharing time and love with your families. It is a hazy morning here, no beautiful sunrise and the mountains are once again blocked by all of the nastiness in the sky. I am praying this storm will blow out of here so that the prediction of next weeks warmer temps and sunny skies can come on in...I am in desperate need of fairer weather.

This morning in prayer a song kept coming to mind...a song I am sure we all know and have sang at least once in our lifetimes...."amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me, I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see..." When I moved to Utah I was a lost soul, I would say I was lost for many years of my life, I never knew who I was, what I wanted in life, where I was supposed to be, where I was going, and I certainly did not think that being "a holy roller" was for me. I found myself at age 28 divorced and lost, I had a 2 year old and felt that I had nothing to offer, I was scared, I felt alone, I felt unworthy and I was so very sad. I found myself shirking my responsibilities as a mom and delving into a world that was in no way pleasing to GOD, I found myself running to the arms of men who only wanted one thing from me, I found myself drowning my sorrows in bottles of alcohol, many times waking up and not remembering where I had been and realizing I did not even know where I was. I continued on this path for a very long time, trying to find someone to love me, trying to find someone to take care of me, trying to find ME. I lost all respect for myself, I was a horrible mother, the only thing I cared about was the next party, the next drunken stupor, the next place that I could forget my heartache and troubles...When I moved to Utah was the day that my life began. I finally had to be a mother for there was no one here to tend Megan, I had to stay sober and I had to be responsible. The day came when I had the opportunity to go back to Texas but I chose not to, I knew that I would fall right back in to that old lifestyle. I had made a life for Megan and I, I had come to love my child more than life itself and I did not ever want to put her on the back burner again. I found myself praying more than I ever had before, and I felt a PEACE that I had never known begin to grow inside of me. It did not happen over night and I still fall at times not in drinking or anything like that, I just still allow satan to nag at me, to try and make me feel unworthy... I found a new addiction that did not involve drinking...it was gambling, there is a casino town about 2 hours from where I live and found myself going more and more frequently..if anyone tells you this is not a problem I would love to stand witness to them that it can cause you to lose everything. I finally, by the grace of God, saw the devastation that gambling can bring, I watched as a gambling buddy lost it all, and almost lost her life in a near fatal car accident coming home from the casino in a snow storm,  but still, she continues to go and throw her money away. I know that everything we do in life is but a lesson and we have to endure the bad to appreciate the good. I have been up and I have been down, and I mean literally down in the depths of hell, I have felt satan try desperately to keep me down in his world but I also have felt and seen God's hand literally reaching to pull me up and out of the burning pit. I am so very thankful that in my last and final hours that I looked up and saw the light of Christ, that I reached out and took his hand...yes satan tried to hang on to me, he knew I was a good one for him to have, but NO I did not stay, I  battled, I fought, I kicked, I screamed and I made it out of that disgusting place I was calling life. I take full responsibility for all the ugly things I have done, and I will not lie to anyone and try to make them think I have been an angel. I have lied, I have abused myself, I have cheated, I have been vindictive, I have been angry and evil...

I sit each morning and am so very thankful for that HAND that reached down to me so many years ago, I am so thankful that I had people who loved and tended my baby when I was not emotionally able to, I am so thankful for the ones who did not give up on me, and let me tell you many did give up on me and it has taken many years to get back in the good graces of them. I thank God for his unconditional love, for his never ending will to turn my life around, for his always outstretched hand extended closed enough for me to take when I was ready, for my daughter's love for me today even knowing that I was not there for her in the early years, for the grace and mercy that God has given me, for his allowing me to grow, for shining the light for me to see that I am worth it, that I am worthy of his love, that I am a beautiful person, that my Father in heaven loves me for who I am and that I love me toooooo, it was not until I finally realized that I love ME that I could begin to really forgive myself and move forward. 

Today if you feel that the things you have done~~define you~~you are wrong, if you feel that there is no way God will forgive you~~think again~~ I am here to tell you, if he has forgiven me~~he will forgive you~~The first thing you have to do is look in the mirror, hold your head up and see the beauty in you...look deep into those eyes of yours that are holding so much hurt and pain, and see the light, there is a light of Christ in them, HE died for YOU, HE died so that you could be saved. Don't let the sacrifice God made be for nothing...reach your hand up as I did and grab ahold of HIS, let him pull you out of the sea of shame you are living in and allow him to love you, allow him to wipe off the muck that you have been swimming in, allow him to take the shame you are carrying, allow him to hold you in his lap and wrap his robes of love, peace, calm, and comfort around you, allow him to open your eyes to see what HE loves about you and you will find that it is everything from the tip of your head to the end of your toes...Let today be the day you begin to heal, if you have an addiction problem, seek help today, HE will guide you, he will withdraw with you, he will comfort you when you cry and he will place the Holy Ghost there to stop you from going back...Open your heart right this very moment, ask God to come in and heal all that is ailing....There is no better time than right now to get off the wrong track and start riding down the right one. 

YOU are love, YOU are amazing, YOU are beautiful and God wants YOU to join his team..right now!!! 

If you are in need I can help you!!!