I wonder, was it enough, and I see that maybe it was!!!

Was it enough?

Today is the 26th birthday of the most important human on the face of this earth to me....my little girl!!!

26 years ago I was no doubt feeling like a beached whale at this time of the morning, feeling that I could not carry this child in my body for one more day, filled with awe, with wonder, with fear, with anxiety...all the normal things that a first time expectant mother was feeling...I was so eager to have her in my arms and out of my body, I was so eager to begin life as a parent....I had dreams as big or bigger than everyone else who had already experienced this, she would be an astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, a president...the possibilites were endless. I was going to give her the best life, the most stress free environment, the most wonderful memories, I was going to go down in the history books as being the best mom ever in life's existence.....Well that all crashed down...I failed at many, many, of my expectations for her...Yes I failed....within 2 years of her little life I was a divorced mom, I take the blame for most of the ruin of my marriage....it was not pretty, it was not what I expected, it was not what I dreamed of...BUT it was reality. I ambled through the next few years trying to find myself, trying to figure out what it was that I was????? I looked, I hoped, I basically lived with my head stuck in the sand and blamed a lot on other people when I should have been looking in the mirror at myself! I attached myself to men who in the long run turned out to be...NOT what I needed in my life, they were NOT my forever partners...heck for the most part they were NOT even my friends.... I moved to Utah when my baby was in 2nd grade and began to find some peace in my life, BEGAN being the key word...it still took much time and energy to finally realize that I might just have arrived and I might just have found ME. In the years from her birth to the 2nd grade for her I was there but I was not there...I was so off into myself in my quest for "who are you" that I seem to have missed out on a whole lot.....thank God for Megan's dad and for my family who made sure that SHE was not missing out as well. When we moved to Utah was when I finally had to wake up and become a mommy, it was odd, it was very different and it was in a strange new way...very exciting...I had this little creature who was so very smart....not from me, I had not really been there much...I had this beautiful little girl who was funny, who was loving, who was caring, who made me smile all of the time and I wondered...HOW IN THE HECK have I NOT been a part of this? Over the next few years we bonded and it was amazing, it was magical, it was all that I had ever dreamed parenthood could be....BUT was it to late? Had I not instilled good things into her, had I been a good enough example? Had I loved her enough??? Filled with questions I began to try and dissect all that I had done and found myself feeling really inadequate as a parent. I loved her passionately, I adored her, I wanted to protect her, I wanted to give to her her lifes desires...but had I already poisoned the pudding? I watched her go through struggles, her missing her dad and little family in Kansas desperately, I watched her struggle when she had to leave me to go and spend time with her dad, I felt that if only I had done things differently way back when, she would not have to know this struggle and pain....I tried to be the best of the best mom there was...but WAS I TO LATE? As life continued on, I tried to make changes in myself so that maybe, just maybe she could see the good in me, that she did not feel like she had to take care of me, that I was the mom and she was the child...BUT WAS I TO LATE?

As I sit here now, having gone through all of the heartache that we shared together, as I sit here thinking of all the laughs we have shared, as I sit here thinking of all that I had dreamed for her and watching it begin to take shape...As I sit here with so much love in my heart, with so much pride in seeing her as a mommy, definitely doing things differently than I had done and doing it right...I wonder....DID I MAKE A DIFFERENCE?  As I sit and see her growing each day, finally figuring out what it is that she wants to do...and doing it....I wonder...DID I HAVE MY HAND IN ANY OF THIS? I am so pleased with her, she is the light of my life, she is the beat in my heart and she is the woman that I really, really, imagined she would be. She loves with all of her heart, she has such passion about things in her life, she is going to school to become a teacher so that she can help to shine light in children's lives, she is a great wife, she is an amazing mommy, she is the best of best of friends, she is not selfish, she is not fickle, she is not mean...SHE IS AN AMAZING WOMAN and I sit and wonder and can only pray that...I DID INDEED HAVE A LITTLE TO DO WITH IT. If I have ever done anything in my life, it is that I love my child with all that I am  and all that I ever wished to be....maybe just maybe she has a little bit of me! 

Happy birthday to you today MEGAN, I pray that you know how very loved you are, that you know what you mean to me and that you never ever for one day of your life have felt anything other than this. You are the greatest gift and blessing in my life and I simply adore you. Onward and Upward my child, the world is wide open, waiting for you to take control and make your way...I love you with all of my being and will always be in your corner...

God bless you with everything!!!

Father, I come to you today, on bended knees asking that you continue to hold my sweet daughter in your arms, Father instill in her all that you need for her to be, bless her with all of the goodness of this earth and allow her to grow in your light. Father allow her for, if only a moment, to feel my heart beating for her, allow her to feel my arms around her this day so that she can feel my love. Father bless her and her little family with a life of love and laughter, with more joy than they can ever imagine. Walk with them daily, every step of the way. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray for a life of joy for each of them. Amen.